( published 16th May 2002 )
Given the fact I am organising my own little World Cup competition, I shouldn't complain too much. But what I saw yesterday was simply hilarious, and is becoming ridiculous. Next to an "Evening Standard" stand a large advert for yesterday's paper: "BECKHAM RUNS...FIRST PICTURE".
Waaaaaoww...wait wait wait, I need to meditate about the importance of the news! Silence ..Silence ...Silence... I wonder...no stop too early ...silence ...silence...I wonder how many people rushed to their newspaper stand to admire THE picture of the day. Who cares about the Sun's page 3 and its naked girl anymore?? Beckham's foot is the sexiest thing in the world today. I can see all these commuting City fans arriving home yesterday and swapping their suits for an "ENGERLURND" T-shirt, grab a beer out of the fridge, and watch the picture in the paper again and again, until tears run down their cheeks.
Ooooohh Englishman, you are such a moving animal! And I'm afraid to go out and buy my paper today.
Have a nice day
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,there is a day care on the first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.